Those who witnessed it were shocked and amazed. Those who heard about it were relieved. Even Kathy’s daughter Emma, hidden in the corner of the room, saw it and wrestled back her tears of joy.
As Ray sat alienated in the back, he felt a hand slip softly into his. Looking down, he recognized the fingers he’d known for years laced lovingly through his hand. He glanced up slowly to see Kathy’s reuring face as she gave him a smile.
No longer was Ray cold and defensive, backed into his corner of isolation. No longer was Kathy feeling emotionally shipwrecked, paralyzed with humiliating images of Ray in the arms of the other woman.
After only a few weeks, something major was starting to change. Suddenly, talking about the details didn’t feel like taking a walk in a minefield. Kathy’s emotions were finally starting to be under her control and no longer holding her hostage.
Ray began to open up and communicate with sincerity and humility. He gently allowed her to express the trauma she experienced without arguing or throwing it back in her face (more on Ray and Kathy’s story in a second).
At this point, I realized that the consistent methods I have been using for 31 years would work for almost any couple(if at least one of them is willing to start before it is too late).
Not only have I seen it, but I’ve helped people take control by equipping them with a 3-phase system that can restore their relationship with more honesty, safety, and intimacy than before the affair (even if their spouse isn’t yet willing).
My name is Dr. Frank Gunzburg. For 15 of my 59 years, I have lived in Baltimore, Maryland with my wife Sandy, our five children, and our six grandchildren. For the most part, I’d say it’s been a quiet life, except for one thing.
Over the last 31 years, I’ve fought in the trenches alongside couples who are desperate to save their marriages after affairs. Some come to me hopeful, some come cold and battle-hardened, and others come alone, uncertain, and praying that I can breath life back into their near-dead relationship.
After three decades of specializing in marriage counseling, I’ve seen many people give up. I’ve seen many relationships where the couples put off healing too long and eventually cause irreparable damage.
More importantly, I’ve seen the majority of my couples overcome what they imagined to be unbeatable odds by restoring their relationship and making it better than before the affair.
Sound hard to believe? Perhaps, but all I ask is that you refrain from disbelieving until I show you proof.
Imagine this… what if I told you that the magic bullet for rebuilding your relationship included one or more of the following ten actions:
You might say I’m right, or you might say you’ve tried these and many more things and they simply don’t work.
In April 2004, right before I finished outlining my affair-healing system, I performed an extensive survey of 300 willing couples who all had one thing in common – a relationship ripped apart by an affair.
In addition to 30 extensive questions, I asked them to list the 10 things they tried in an attempt to heal their relationship. The list above is the result of this study (with talking leading the pack at 58%).
However, despite all that hard work (including counseling), only 55% were willing to continue the relationship. (Of those who were willing to continue, 71% stayed because of the children.)
Successfully repairing your relationship is not about doing a lot of hard work; it’s a system. This system is about doing the right things, BUT more importantly, doing them in the right order.
You see, all of the things listed above can be good, but most of the time they are performed in the wrong order.
Fact: Of 1083 married couples surveyed, out of the group who discussed the affair in great detail, 86% remained married. Out of the group who discussed the affair very little, only 55% remained married.
Here’s why: when your spouse drops the bomb of their affair, it’s one of the most shocking and devastating experiences you can go through. The mental and physical pain can be too much to bear.
"After many weeks of lying numb in bed, I tried to get my life back together, but this horrible combination of emotions kept co up. At first I just felt rage: a kind of anger I have never felt before and pray to God I never feel again.
"Slowly the rage turned into hatred. I wanted to kill him. I mean I really wanted to kill him. I scared myself with the images that ran through my head. I can’t tell you how many times I thought about going into the kitchen and getting the butcher knife. It scares me to talk about it even now. I had no idea I was capable of such feelings of violence.
"Eventually I realized these emotions were masking what I really felt deep down inside: betrayed, humiliated, and defeated. What’s more, I felt very, very sad. I felt like someone had died, and in a sense, someone had. At the time, I felt like the life I had worked so hard for was dead.
I was the one who had died. My rage and were like a shield against these softer emotions. My heart hurt so much I didn’t even want to feel. The heart can really break you know. Mine has. I’ve felt it."
Because of the intense pain you’re going through, talking about the details at this stage in the game most likely will only confirm the negative feelings you already have about yourself. This will do nothing to help you cope.
In addition, most couples experience… Read more…